Books for Boys

I spent my childhood immersed in books.  In fact, I probably remember stories I read better than conversations I had or people I knew.  We took weekly trips to the library to stock up on The Babysitter's Club and Encyclopedia Brown and Beverly Cleary.  I read about girl detectives and a girl's baseball team and girls growing up on the prairie and girls who were in the process of becoming little women.  I loved reading these books so much that, before I even became pregnant, I began curating a collection to give to my own child some day.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined that child would be a son.

Now I find myself, decades later, the very busy mother of three boys.  My youngest is learning to read on his own right now--it delights me to no end to listen to him sounding out words and looking through books on his own.  But a conversation I've had more than once, and one that I think will continue long after my kids are completely independent in their book choices, is this:

What do your boys like to read?

We could get all philosophical here and talk about whether books are, or should be, gendered (but tons of smarter people than me have written much more profound and eloquent articles on the subject, so I'll defer to them).  Let's skip over that, with the caveat that OF COURSE any person can read anything they please without calling into question their masculinity or femininity.  I read plenty of books that were probably written with a male audience in mind (at least, I'm assuming that's what Tom Clancy was trying to do...). so it stands to reason that if my son likes to read Junie B. Jones or Ramona or Here's to You, Rachel Robinson, I will not try to distract him with the Hardy Boys or a book about football.  I'm merely making public what has been said to me so often in private, that mothers are sometimes at a loss for what to read with their sons as they grow up.

Here, in an attempt at age appropriateness, are my suggestions...

1. MO WILLEMS [The Pigeon books, Knuffle Bunny (and Too and Free), Leonardo the Terrible Monster, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs, Elephant and Piggie, and so many more]

What did parents actually read to their babies and toddlers before Mo Willems' bus-obsessed, sleep-averse Pigeon came on the scene?  I guess there was Dr. Seuss and Maurice Sendak, but Mo Willems was the only author my oldest son would sit still for in his first five years of life.  He really deserves all the accolades and attention he gets, because his books are entertaining and colorful and a joy to read out loud.  The words and pictures complement each other perfectly and even help emerging readers learn how to say the words with expression.  (It seems like every 4 or 5 year old knows exactly how to read the phrase, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO.")  And if your children age alongside Trixie and her Knuffle Bunny, I dare you not to cry over the final pages of Knuffle Bunny Free.  What are you, a robot?!

2. POP UP BOOKS

It doesn't seem to matter much what it's about.  Thanksgiving, The Wheels on the Bus, My First Baseball Game...if the images move, or flaps open and shut, or (best of all) it makes noise, your son will go crazy for "reading."  Do not plan on archiving these or turning them into treasured family heirlooms, because after five years and three sons, half of the pages will be ripped to shreds or gnawed beyond recognition.  But hey, he held a book!  That's a win.

3. FLY GUY by Tedd Arnold

What little boy doesn't dream of someday being the proud owner of a pet fly who can say his name (because his parents hated him and named him "BUZZ")?  I know my sons were over the moon when they discovered this series of easy readers.  A trend emerged over time:  the grosser the jokes, the sillier the pictures, the more ridiculous the plot, the more likely my boys would read it over and over and over.  And thank goodness, because after the 10th booger/garbage/toilet image, I can't control my gag reflex.  Thank you, Tedd Arnold, for encouraging independent readers!

4. CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS by Dav Pilkey (or Dogman, or Oog and Gluk, or Super Diaper Baby)

It seemed like a natural transition from the revolting images of Fly Guy to the potty-humored comics of Dav Pilkey.  These books are longer and better for later elementary readers.  My sons have read Captain Underpants so many times that they double over laughing as they re-tell the various plots and jokes.  When two boys hypnotize their strict principal, he strips down to his tightie-whities and battles such villains as Professor Poopypants and the Wicked Wedgie Woman and the Turbo Toilet 2000.  I read in an interview that Dav Pilkey began writing stories and comics when he was in 2nd grade, which prompted my then 2nd grader to become an author in his own right.  And I couldn't be happier that he giggles as he reads and draws for hours at a time.  It's all positive so long as he isn't playing violent video games or building a pipe bomb, am I right?

5. BOOKS ABOUT DOGS

My oldest son is what some folks like to call a "reluctant reader."  But his interest level goes through the roof if a dog is featured prominently on a book's cover.  This includes: Henry and Ribsy by Beverly Cleary, Shiloh by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo, and White Fang by Jack London.  He also really enjoyed books about talking farm animals, like Charlotte's Web and Babe.  It remains to be seen if this sets him up for an early love of Animal Farm by George Orwell.

6. BOOKS ABOUT SURVIVAL

When my 4th grader was assigned Robinson Crusoe for school, I thought for sure that he would hate it.  After all, it was originally written in 1719, meaning his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents could have read it as children.  Instead, he couldn't get enough of the man stranded on an island for years and the descriptions of his various efforts to survive the elements with rudimentary tools.  This book so captured his imagination that I picked up My Side of the Mountain for a summer reading opportunity.  Once again, he seemed to really enjoy the story.  I will definitely be keeping my ears open for more books along this vein.

7. STAR WARS/MINECRAFT/THE LEGO MOVIE

Yes, it was originally intended to be a movie or a video game (or both!), but when Mom says, "Screens off!" the fun can continue with books about Luke Skywalker or Steve in Diamond Armor or Emmett and WyldStyle.  I guess.  No matter what age your child or reading level they have mastered, there is a Star Wars book for them.  Explore a galaxy far, far away while your son flawlessly reads phrases like "Imperial stormtrooper" or "Intergalactic Senate" but stumbles over words like "probably" and "uses."  Or see their eyes light up on Christmas morning when they unwrap Mark Cheverton's GameKnight999 series, which includes such titles as The Wither Invasion and The Great Zombie Invasion and (I kid you not) Invasion of the Overworld.  I'm no expert, but I'm guessing the worst thing that can happen in Minecraft is some sort of invasion.

They may not be your cup of tea, but pat yourself on the back every time you survive a long wait at the doctor or a rainy family reunion, and your son appears angelic while he reads quietly in a chair.  Clearly your child is not going to become an axe murderer or a high school dropout, because early literacy matters!

Unqualified

It was about a year ago when I heard that Anna Faris had a relationship advice podcast.  Yes, Anna Faris the actress.  THE Anna Faris who starred in the Scary Movies, The House Bunny, the CBS show "Mom" and even played a wacky, murderous version of herself in the movie Keanu.  I will admit that when I first heard about the podcast, I had several questions.  The most prominent was WHY?  Why would a movie star, a presumably wealthy and successful actress, want to host a podcast?  And why, when surely she has areas of expertise due to her career, would it be about relationships?  After all, what do people in Hollywood know about thoughtful, successful relationships?  Even as I pondered these questions and stared at the thumbnail image on iTunes, I had to laugh that at least she called her podcast "Unqualified."  Maybe she knew what people like me would be thinking, and she was addressing the criticism right out of the gate?

I started listening because one episode featured Rhetta and Aubrey Plaza as guests.  I LOVE Parks and Rec, and the idea that maybe the people who played such beloved characters might actually be friends in real life, and might tell hilarious behind-the-scenes stories about one of my favorite shows, was enough to get me to listen.  (Side note:  This episode fulfilled all of my fan girl dreams.  Rhetta and Aubrey Plaza are amazing, they did tell stories about being on Parks and Rec, and Chris Pratt even stopped by the dining room to chime in for a few minutes.  SO GOOD!)  But what actually stuck out to me over the course of the episode was how unexpectedly knowledgeable and interesting Anna and her co-host Sim were.  I listened to another episode, and another, wondering if it was just a fluke, or if they actually had made something worth listening to.

The best part (to me) about the Unqualified podcast is how many beliefs and expectations it smashes.  I do not expect famous and successful people to be relatable.  I do not expect people roughly my age who have spent so much of their adult lives working in Hollywood to be aware of anyone besides themselves, much less be able to give good advice to callers from all over the country with relationship questions.  I do not expect celebrities, whether they be from movies or TV or sports or music or whatever Bravo is supposed to be now, to teach me something about how to live my life.  And yet, week after week, that's exactly what happens.  From Dax Shepherd (that guy?!) giving truly mature, helpful relationship advice to Arielle Kebbel delivering a timely message about sexual harassment and how we move forward in the wake of everything, to Kelly Clarkson answering "Dealbreakers" and Anna and Regina Hall reliving their on-set jokes from the Scary Movies, Unqualified is almost always a delightful listen.  I love the interviews and the stories people are willing to share, I love the questions Anna and Sim come up with, I love the callers and the way different people respond to pleas for help from total strangers.  I also love the occasional interruptions from Anna's parents or son, or the fact that sometimes people are sitting in the room watching and listening to the podcast live.  (How does one get to do that?  Is it strictly for relatives and close friends or will they one day decide to sell tickets?)  Unqualified makes me laugh, it makes me think, and it gives a window into how other people are experiencing the world.

So it should be a given that when Anna Faris announced that she was writing "Unqualified: The Book," I was stoked.  I already love to read books by celebrities, and this combines the personal memoir aspect that I enjoy with the best parts of the Unqualified podcast.  It includes chapters where Anna puts herself in the hotseat, with the help of one of the show's writers, Cassie, to answer Dealbreakers and How Would You Proceed?  The book gives background into some of the situations and relationships that Anna has mentioned on the show, as well as further advice for relationships.  And, while I was tempted to be skeptical ("She's probably using a ghost writer.  How can an actress also write a book?!"), listening to Unqualified has made me more open-minded to the possibility that most well-known performers are not one-trick ponies.  Rather, each of us, it turns out, is a whole person, a blend of knowledge and ability and quirky interests that extend beyond what we are best known for.

As I read the book, I could hear Anna's voice in my head.  It was fun to be able to predict the intended inflection and when she would drop to a lower register and how she would emphasize the profanities liberally sprinkled throughout.  Both the podcast and the book are entertaining and explicit, although only once have I been turned off by the frank words.  Most of all, I give Anna Faris a tremendous amount of credit for raising the bar in terms of what I expect of my celebrities.  It turns out that having diverse interests and experiences is not rare, it is the norm.  People are more than the persona they have developed for the world.

I recommend "Unqualified" as a fun read, whether you are familiar with Anna Faris or not.  (You won't be able to say that when you've finished it!)  And I also think you should listen to her podcast, if you aren't already.  Scroll through the many, many episodes and start with one whose guest is a favorite performer of yours.  It makes for an enjoyable entrance to the show, and I guarantee you will hear something you didn't already know.  If you're like me, you will continue to listen to older episodes and find yourself surprised at how much more people have to offer than just the roles they play on the big screen.

Reading and Snuggles

Thrillers (Not the Michael Jackson Song)

I consider myself a fairly eclectic reader; if a book has an interesting premise or gets a good recommendation, I will probably pick it up, irregardless of genre or style.  One rule I have, however, is that I don't like to be scared.  Isn't life challenging enough without adding fictional fears?  This is why I mostly skip the thrillers.

I have read a few Stephen King novels, of which Dolores Claiborne was my favorite.  Probably because, unlike IT and Carrie and The TommyKnockers, there isn't really a supernatural scary element.  And for once, King really nails his female characters.  But mostly I'd rather be reading hilarious celebrity memoirs or Jane Austen.

Clearly, I am not someone who is up-to-date on the hottest new books.

However, a few years ago, I requested a book from the library based on a blurb in a magazine.  It sounded like it might be a little different, and the fact that it spent the year on best seller lists and must read trend posts had nothing to do with my decision to take it home with me.  The title of the book?  Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.  I whizzed through it in a weekend, at a time when that meant a serious sacrifice of sleep on my part and attention on my husband's.  But I couldn't put it down.

What I loved about this book (and probably what made other people take notice) is that it tells a really interesting story.  We follow Nick as he discovers that his wife is missing, dead maybe, and his life begins to unravel.  Then, at the halfway point, this already good story gets a CRAZY twist and becomes something else.  Even though I finished the book quickly, I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I told friends to read it.  I dissected Nick and Amy and their marriage with my husband.  I went opening night to see the Ben Affleck/Rosamund Pike starring film adaptation.  I even picked up a copy of Sharp Objects, an earlier novel of Flynn's.  I enjoyed that book as well, though it left a different feeling, one of needing a shower and a desire to forget a story that was seared in my brain.  Both stories have great characters, and realistic (though unlikely) plots.  And they really made me wonder what sort of sick, messed up, dysfunctional life Gillian Flynn has led.  (I looked into it, and apparently she's totally normal.)

More recently, I met an author at a local library event and decided to read some of her work.  I brought home The Good Girl and Every Last Lie by Mary Kubica.  I read The Good Girl first, and although I didn't think it had much in common with Gone Girl in its tone or story, somehow it reminded me of how I felt when I read it.  The Good Girl is about a young woman who disappears (okay, so it has something in common with Gone Girl...) and it's told through the perspective of her mother, the detective investigating her disappearance, and the guy who kidnapped her.  CREEPY.  But The Good Girl is also told in this jumping timeline, so that some chapters occur during the search for Mia, and some tell the aftermath.  In fact, this isn't even a spoiler, because it's only about 15 pages in that it is revealed that Mia returns home.  The novel takes on this spiraling quality as it takes the reader to the final pages, where clues and information are scattered and only in the last chapter does a clear picture emerge.  There's also a surprising twist that is only VERY subtly hinted at through the story, although I'm sure some internet braggart somewhere is claiming that he totally saw it coming the whole time.  Congratulations sir, some of us still enjoy the wonder and mystery of life.

I was so impressed by The Good Girl and the technique and story mastery of its author that I hurried to read Every Last Lie, Kubica's latest.  If I'm being honest (and why wouldn't I be?), it was a let down.  The plot was just interesting enough to keep me going, though I often felt like each chapter was taking too long to get to the point, and the ending was disappointing.  That being said, Ms. Kubica has a couple of novels I still haven't read, and I'm willing to give them a chance because the first was just that good.

I recommend skipping Every Last Lie, unless you have nothing else to do or need to be reminded how happy you are that your children are no longer breast feeding.  Instead, read one of Gillian Flynn's books for a shivering creepfest that will make you turn to your husband at 2am and ask, "What have we done to each other?  What will we do to each other?" or possibly make you question your own sanity.  Or find The Good Girl and get sucked into a terrific puzzle that kept me guessing.

Churchill and Orwell

I believe the same thing happens to every woman who becomes a mother.  There is a period of time when caring for children and the day to day realities of life become all one can handle, and during this time, one may feel that she has lost her former self.  This was certainly the case for me, as I fed and diapered and cared for three young children.  It began to feel as though I was only this one thing, Mom, and any independent thoughts or interests I'd had in the past were gone forever.

Thankfully I can report that, a few years down the road, there is a return.  A sense of autonomy and individuality that is impossible when one is breastfeeding and keeping a schedule to ensure daily naps.  One of the things I used to be, and haven't been for almost a decade, is a history nerd and lover of diplomacy.  I named one of my sons Winston because of my love for all things Churchill, his wit, his leadership, his rousing speeches that kept the British people going during WW2.  So I was already going to love Thomas E. Ricks book, Churchill and Orwell: The Fight for Freedom.  But another thing I did in my former life was voraciously consume science fiction novels.  Especially the classics, like Fahrenheit 451, A Brave New World, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and of course, 1984.  When I heard the author speaking about these two men in an  interview on Terri Gross, I knew I had to read it.

This book delighted me, and not just because it is well-written and thoroughly explores how the British fought back against the Nazis in WW2.  (I don't think that we, as Americans, appreciate just how different our world is today because of their tenacity and the extraordinary vision of their leader, although watching "The Man in the High Castle" on Amazon has certainly affected my view.)  I also loved reading something so thorough and smart.  I haven't come across the word "suzerainty" since college.  What's more, Mr. Ricks takes two men (the eponymous Winston Churchill and George Orwell) who are wildly different, and yet, for these years of war on their island, their lives bear striking similarities to one another.  This book flowed like a well-told story, and kept me returning day after day to read more.  I can only speak as someone who at one point in time was steeped in WW2 history, but I believe that anyone who decides to sit down with this book will learn something they didn't know.  And if you are someone who thinks that history is dull or hard to follow, this might be the work that changes your mind.

There are two major takeaways that are still reverberating in my mind although I finished the book and even read a mystery novel after.  The first concerns Churchill the wartime politician.  As Mr. Ricks writes in his final summary, "Many people around them expected evil to triumph and sought to make their peace with it.  These two did not."  I think this is why I was so disappointed during our most recent presidential election.  I wanted a politician who stood up and demonstrated true principles, to see among the candidates seeking the highest office in our country a person of courage and integrity.  Winston Churchill did this before war broke out in Europe.  He was often the only person in England's House of Commons sounding the warning alarm about Adolf Hitler and the danger he posed to freedom everywhere.  Even when his career suffered and his peers ignored him, he didn't back down, and he didn't change.  So when the war did come, when the other countries of Europe crumbled and surrendered to the German blitzkrieg, Churchill was ready to lead Britain to stand firm.  We could use more people like him in leadership.

The other idea that I appreciate from this study of Churchill and Orwell is the idea of remaining critical of something we love and support.  Too often I see this hypocrisy among people, that so long as it is their "side" involved, then whatever that group is doing is fine.  There was the immature refrain during President Obama's terms in office that he was "not my president."  And as much as people rolled their eyes, as soon as the tables turned and a Republican president took office, the counter was Donald Trump is "not my president."  We should be more like George Orwell, a man who supported the spread of liberal thought and communist practices, yet who remained an outspoken opponent to the kind of totalitarian state that Joseph Stalin was implementing in Russia.  It wasn't that Orwell was against socialism and collectivism, it was that he believed they could be accomplished without murdering all of one's political opponents and starving one's people.  He didn't want to bring down the Soviet Union, he wanted to make it better.  And so should we, here in our country, not defend the reprehensible, but we should hold each other and our leaders to a higher standard.  As Mr. Ricks writes, "In a world based on facts, in which the individual has the right to perceive and decide those facts on his or her own, the state must earn the allegiance of its citizens.  When it fails to live up to its rhetoric, it begins to forfeit that loyalty."  If you vote Republican because you believe in lowering taxes and having smaller government, if you find that your beliefs align more with a social conservativism, then vote your conscience.  It doesn't mean you have to defend a politician who brags about sexually assaulting women and tweets obsessively about TV shows when he has a country to run.  If you vote Democrat because you see the government as a means to improving the lives of our citizens and you desperately want to use tax dollars to fund healthcare and food programs and affordable housing, then go for it.  You should still be able to recognize short-comings in your candidates, and acknowledge the role back door deals in the DNC affected the outcome our election.

"To refuse to run with the herd is generally harder than it looks.  To break with the most powerful among that herd requires unusual depth of character and clarity of mind.  But it is a path we should all strive for if we are to preserve the right to think, speak, and act independently, heeding the dictates not of the state or of fashionable thought, but of our own consciences.  In most places and most of the time, liberty is not a product of military action.  Rather, it is something alive that grows or diminishes every day, in how we think and communicate, how we treat each other in our public discourse, in what we value and reward as a society, and how we do that.  Churchill and Orwell showed us the way."  If you are looking for a well-researched true story that inspires you to live a more principaled, courageous life, I recommend Churchill and Orwell: The Fight for Freedom.  And then consider dusting off your copy of 1984 or Churchill's war memoirs.

Explaining Adoption to Young Children

We are proud parents, and have been blessed three times over with energetic, healthy boys.  The first two arrived in the traditional manner, after 9 uncomfortable, exhausting months of pregnancy.  The third kiddo came from a different source.  He came to our home after a year of questions and meetings and training classes and seemingly endless paperwork.  He was our first foster placement.

When we adopted him almost two years later, we were already well on the way to discovering resources to explain adoption to young children.  We had been prepping our then 4 year old and 2 year old that this baby would be different, and might not stay very long.  I found a Children's Bible with a simplified story of Moses in the Nile to be concrete enough for them to understand.

Over the years, we have introduced the idea of birth moms and adoptive families through many wonderful books and movies.  Here are some of my favorites:

1. We Belong Together, by Todd Parr

Really any Todd Parr book is great to read with your kids.  They will love the simple, colorful pictures, and you will love the messages of inclusion, love, and kindness that he shares.  We Belong Together shows many different kinds of adoption and how families are made.  I read this book to my son's preschool class to explain how adoption works.

2. God Found Us You, by Lisa Tawn Bergren

This story is just the right length for preschool attention spans, and shares the touching story of a Mommy Fox and her Fox cub talking about how they came together.  In simple language, the Mommy tells her cub how hard it was to see all the other animals having babies when she longed for one of her own, and the cub asks if the Mom who gave birth to him looks like him.  I think this story resonates with the many feelings around adoption:  sadness, loss, joy, attachment, curiosity, and love.

3. Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis

If you haven't checked out Jamie Lee Curtis's children's books (with hysterical illustrations by Laura Cornell), then stop now and get to your local bookstore or library.  The author captures the language of children so perfectly, and they love to read along.  Tell Me Again is a great story, especially for those who adopted internationally, about a child repeating a much-loved tale of how she was brought into her family.

4. The Tummy Mummy, by Michelle Madrid-Branch

Of the many books available about adoption, very few even mention birth parents (Let's change that, book publishers!).  The Tummy Mummy tells children about the journey taken by a birth mother, and describes adoptive parents as the Arm Parents.  I love this terminology and have taken to using it when I talk to my son about the two women he calls "Mommy".  This is a great book for those in an open adoption.

Movies are a little trickier.  They tend to portray orphans in antiquated terms, as impoverished, unloved, neglected burdens on crazed caretakers.  But some children's movies are beginning to show adoption in a more positive light, and sharing positive messages about family.  Here are some I like:

1. Meet the Robinsons

Somehow I missed this movie when it came out, probably because I was busy getting married and not paying close attention to family films.  But we discovered it recently, and our children love to watch it.  The final montage always makes me cry, because the movie introduces us to Lewis, an orphan who is quickly reaching an age when no one will adopt him.  He tries to invent a machine that will show him who is birth mother is, hoping to find her and reunite.  Instead, he travels to the future and meets the Robinsons, a wacky family where he finally fits in.  This movie is funny and full of heart, and enjoyable for the whole family to watch together.

2. Despicable Me

I'm not sure if my kids are even aware of the adoption story taking place between Gru, Margo, Edith, and Agnes, instead being captivated by the hilarious little Minions.  But this movie has a wonderful message about the transformative power of love, and shows that family can sometimes find you when you least expect it.  I also love the songs and catchy visuals.

3. Big Hero 6

This is another movie that blends adoption subtly.  Hiro is being raised by his aunt (Hey there, kinship adoption!), but the bigger story is the early and sudden loss of his brother, Tadoshi.  I think the greatest benefit of Big Hero 6 to families explaining adoption is the emotional tone of the film, and how we all cope with separation, death, and grief.  Hiro spends most of the movie plotting revenge for his brother's death, but in the end, learns that those we love will always live in our hearts and memories.  He also finds a group of friends that encourage him and take over the role that Tadoshi used to play in his life.

4. Elf

My kids are just getting old enough to enjoy Elf at Christmastime, and they definitely picked up on the fact that Buddy has a Dad at the North Pole and a Dad in New York.  I love this movie's humor and the way Buddy is ultimately able to incorporate his human side and his elf side and have a family of his own.  This is another great resource for open adoptions!

This list is by no means all-inclusive, just a few that I've enjoyed and incorporated into my family's discussion of adoption.  If you have stories that you use to explain adoption to your children, share in the comments!

Agnes Grey

I'm a huge fan of classic novels.  In the past few years, I've been working my way through Jane Austen's six novels.  I had to re-read Sense and Sensibility, because when I first read it in high school I didn't really understand it.  A decade and a half of living (and a few seasons of Downton Abbey) has helped to clear up the confusion about British courtship customs of the 19th century.  I preferred Mansfield Park, though, the tale of overlooked cousin Fanny Brice, to the adventures of Marianne and Eleanor Dashwood.

More recently, I picked up a copy of Agnes Grey from my local library.  This book was written by Anne Bronte, younger sister of Charlotte and Emily.  I enjoyed a read through of Wuthering Heights not long ago, and the film adaptation from 2011, and a copy of Jane Eyre has been sitting on my bookshelf for the past several years.  The Bronte sisters had much in common with Jane Austen, having never married, the poor daughters of ministers who began writing about the romance they didn't get to experience, before dying at relatively young ages.

Although I feel like Jane Austen was a bit obsessed with marrying off her characters to appropriate men, and the Bronte sisters didn't seem to share her optimism.  Their heroines marry brutes, and run wild on the moors (or maybe that was just Cathy...I should really read Jane Eyre).  Agnes Grey follows a different path, recounting the tales of a cash-strapped governess and the families who mistreat her while she attempts to educate their children.

Agnes is an interesting main character, chafing under her family's insistence that she is still a baby and deciding to go out on her own to make a living, then struggling to rein in unruly students and miserable host families.  It reminds me of a Victorian Nanny Diaries in the way it exposes the mistreatment of the elite towards their domestic help.  At the time it was published, one book reviewer thought the author must have bribed a governess in order to nail the accurate portrayal of the torments of her life.  In fact, the book is based on the experiences of Anne Bronte herself, and the families she lived with in the role of governess.  I'm also surprised at how much still feels true about the characters of this book, from their religious views to the differing opinions about child-rearing.

If you are a fan of the Bronte sisters or want to read more about English society in the mid-1800's, pick up a copy of Agnes Grey.  The Penguin Classics edition contains a very informative introduction exploring the lives of the Brontes and women like them, as well as the mark their books made on the publishing industry.  Agnes' story will make you think twice about how you treat those who serve you, from the teenagers at McDonald's to the men and women educating your children.

God and Jetfire

I listen to NPR whenever I'm driving.  It all started when I had babies in the car and they were soothed by the classical music played by my college radio station.  The format has changed a bit, so there is less classical on-air during the day, but my growing children seem to be equally soothed by the honey-soaked voices of the NPR radio programs that play with more frequency.  My two favorites are Terri Gross of "Fresh Air" and John Ashbrook of "On Point".

NPR actually feels like the news, like factual tellings of what is going on in the world.  Not the grabby headlines or people shouting at each other about whether or not Kim Kardashian is a good mother, but stories about real people doing all kinds of different work and facing struggles and what should actually matter to all of us.  Plus interviews with celebrities like David Duchovny, Louis CK, Amy Shumer, and Tina Fey.

All that to say that I heard about the book God and Jetfire by Amy Seek when she was interviewed a few months back, and I immediately made a note to find her book and read it.  As an adoptive mom who has a friendly relationship with my son's first mother, I have been curious for years about what is going on inside the mind of the other woman my son calls Mama.  An open adoption relationship is kind of like marriage:  it begins with two people, two families, circling each other, dating, trying to figure out if something more long term and permanent is possible.  Nobody goes on a first date and hammers the other person with questions about the most personal, deeply felt, potentially hurtful moments of their life.  We begin by finding common ground, shared interests, funny childhood stories.  It can take a long time to get to the truly foundational heart issues, and some relationships never make it there.

So instead of taking my son's birth mom out to coffee and going through my list of over 100 questions (yes, adoptive parents have long lists too!) about how our situation makes her feel, and what different milestones and special occasions set off silent heartbreak, I read Amy Seek's beautiful book, chronicling her pregnancy and decision to place her child with an adoptive family.  Once her son is born and custody is transferred, the book continues to tell Amy's story, about what life is like after adoption and what she frequently calls "this great experiment" of open adoption.

Although she is only recounting her own experience, Amy answers questions and provides insight for  the hidden member of the adoption triad:  the often secret and rarely discussed birth mothers.  What makes a woman choose adoption for her child?  What is it like to carry a baby inside you and go through the trauma and exultation of labor...and then deposit that child in the arms of another woman (or man, or family, depending on the circumstance)?  What is it like to return to your "old life" knowing that someone who looks like you and carries your DNA inside them is embarking on a life which you will largely miss out on?  What thoughts go through your mind when you are with your child, who is now also someone else's child?  What thoughts go through your mind when you leave?  What hopes do you have for your child, for his adoptive parents, for yourself?  How do you handle regret, disappointment, family outrage about your choices, even subsequent pregnancies?

Even if I wasn't actively involved in adoption, I would still read this book.  The author, an architect by day, writes in a beautiful prose that thoughtfully lays out the circumstances and choices of her life, and the reactions of all the people impacted by those choices.  She tells a valuable story about motherhood and charting the unknown.  I wholeheartedly applaud her courage in writing this book and choosing what she thought was best not just for herself, but for her son as well.  Start the new year with a great book!