Explaining Adoption to Young Children

We are proud parents, and have been blessed three times over with energetic, healthy boys.  The first two arrived in the traditional manner, after 9 uncomfortable, exhausting months of pregnancy.  The third kiddo came from a different source.  He came to our home after a year of questions and meetings and training classes and seemingly endless paperwork.  He was our first foster placement.

When we adopted him almost two years later, we were already well on the way to discovering resources to explain adoption to young children.  We had been prepping our then 4 year old and 2 year old that this baby would be different, and might not stay very long.  I found a Children's Bible with a simplified story of Moses in the Nile to be concrete enough for them to understand.

Over the years, we have introduced the idea of birth moms and adoptive families through many wonderful books and movies.  Here are some of my favorites:

1. We Belong Together, by Todd Parr

Really any Todd Parr book is great to read with your kids.  They will love the simple, colorful pictures, and you will love the messages of inclusion, love, and kindness that he shares.  We Belong Together shows many different kinds of adoption and how families are made.  I read this book to my son's preschool class to explain how adoption works.

2. God Found Us You, by Lisa Tawn Bergren

This story is just the right length for preschool attention spans, and shares the touching story of a Mommy Fox and her Fox cub talking about how they came together.  In simple language, the Mommy tells her cub how hard it was to see all the other animals having babies when she longed for one of her own, and the cub asks if the Mom who gave birth to him looks like him.  I think this story resonates with the many feelings around adoption:  sadness, loss, joy, attachment, curiosity, and love.

3. Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis

If you haven't checked out Jamie Lee Curtis's children's books (with hysterical illustrations by Laura Cornell), then stop now and get to your local bookstore or library.  The author captures the language of children so perfectly, and they love to read along.  Tell Me Again is a great story, especially for those who adopted internationally, about a child repeating a much-loved tale of how she was brought into her family.

4. The Tummy Mummy, by Michelle Madrid-Branch

Of the many books available about adoption, very few even mention birth parents (Let's change that, book publishers!).  The Tummy Mummy tells children about the journey taken by a birth mother, and describes adoptive parents as the Arm Parents.  I love this terminology and have taken to using it when I talk to my son about the two women he calls "Mommy".  This is a great book for those in an open adoption.

Movies are a little trickier.  They tend to portray orphans in antiquated terms, as impoverished, unloved, neglected burdens on crazed caretakers.  But some children's movies are beginning to show adoption in a more positive light, and sharing positive messages about family.  Here are some I like:

1. Meet the Robinsons

Somehow I missed this movie when it came out, probably because I was busy getting married and not paying close attention to family films.  But we discovered it recently, and our children love to watch it.  The final montage always makes me cry, because the movie introduces us to Lewis, an orphan who is quickly reaching an age when no one will adopt him.  He tries to invent a machine that will show him who is birth mother is, hoping to find her and reunite.  Instead, he travels to the future and meets the Robinsons, a wacky family where he finally fits in.  This movie is funny and full of heart, and enjoyable for the whole family to watch together.

2. Despicable Me

I'm not sure if my kids are even aware of the adoption story taking place between Gru, Margo, Edith, and Agnes, instead being captivated by the hilarious little Minions.  But this movie has a wonderful message about the transformative power of love, and shows that family can sometimes find you when you least expect it.  I also love the songs and catchy visuals.

3. Big Hero 6

This is another movie that blends adoption subtly.  Hiro is being raised by his aunt (Hey there, kinship adoption!), but the bigger story is the early and sudden loss of his brother, Tadoshi.  I think the greatest benefit of Big Hero 6 to families explaining adoption is the emotional tone of the film, and how we all cope with separation, death, and grief.  Hiro spends most of the movie plotting revenge for his brother's death, but in the end, learns that those we love will always live in our hearts and memories.  He also finds a group of friends that encourage him and take over the role that Tadoshi used to play in his life.

4. Elf

My kids are just getting old enough to enjoy Elf at Christmastime, and they definitely picked up on the fact that Buddy has a Dad at the North Pole and a Dad in New York.  I love this movie's humor and the way Buddy is ultimately able to incorporate his human side and his elf side and have a family of his own.  This is another great resource for open adoptions!

This list is by no means all-inclusive, just a few that I've enjoyed and incorporated into my family's discussion of adoption.  If you have stories that you use to explain adoption to your children, share in the comments!

Orphan Train

If you've read the Insomni-Mommy for any length of time, you have probably figured out that I love orphans.  Like heartbreakingly, can't stop thinking about them, LOVE orphans.  In my life, this love has led me to become a licensed foster parent, to adopt my son, to recently speak with a group of college students about my experiences.  So I was excited when Christina Baker Kline's novel "Orphan Train" came into my possession via my sister.  The title was enough to draw me in, and the book did not disappoint.

Sometimes I feel like the best representations of actual orphan care are found in novels like this one.  As I read the dual narratives of Niamh in 1928 and Molly in 2011, I was struck repeatedly by the truth and authenticity of their experiences.  Not only does this novel capture the orphan experience, but it also displays how our society has changed its treatment of orphans and its attempts to "solve" the problem of abandoned children over the course of the last 100 years.  Additionally, these stories do not shy away from the difficulties of bonding and moving forward after losing one's family.  It is a very real issue in orphan care today, just as it was in the past, that children find familial bonds challenging when they have suffered such a tremendous loss.  I applaud the author for thorough research as well as putting it all into words so beautifully and creating this compelling work of fiction.

I also just finished a work of non-fiction called "Orphans of the Living" by Jennifer Toth.  It makes a terrific companion to "Orphan Train", telling the stories of five youths living and emancipating from foster care in the 80's and 90's.  Toth holds an unflinching microscope up to an imperfect system (one that has thankfully seen some reform thanks to President Clinton, but could still use more) and gives a voice to a population that is sadly voiceless.  Much of what Toth writes about the emotional lives of these children convenes with what I have witnessed as a foster parent, and it makes me both sad and angry that these children's needs are so often unmet.  A common refrain while reading this book could be, "What is WRONG with people?!"  But it is that reality which drove my husband and myself to stand up for orphans, to step in to the gap they are falling through, to resolve to be safe caregivers for all the children who pass through our home.