God and Jetfire

I listen to NPR whenever I'm driving.  It all started when I had babies in the car and they were soothed by the classical music played by my college radio station.  The format has changed a bit, so there is less classical on-air during the day, but my growing children seem to be equally soothed by the honey-soaked voices of the NPR radio programs that play with more frequency.  My two favorites are Terri Gross of "Fresh Air" and John Ashbrook of "On Point".

NPR actually feels like the news, like factual tellings of what is going on in the world.  Not the grabby headlines or people shouting at each other about whether or not Kim Kardashian is a good mother, but stories about real people doing all kinds of different work and facing struggles and what should actually matter to all of us.  Plus interviews with celebrities like David Duchovny, Louis CK, Amy Shumer, and Tina Fey.

All that to say that I heard about the book God and Jetfire by Amy Seek when she was interviewed a few months back, and I immediately made a note to find her book and read it.  As an adoptive mom who has a friendly relationship with my son's first mother, I have been curious for years about what is going on inside the mind of the other woman my son calls Mama.  An open adoption relationship is kind of like marriage:  it begins with two people, two families, circling each other, dating, trying to figure out if something more long term and permanent is possible.  Nobody goes on a first date and hammers the other person with questions about the most personal, deeply felt, potentially hurtful moments of their life.  We begin by finding common ground, shared interests, funny childhood stories.  It can take a long time to get to the truly foundational heart issues, and some relationships never make it there.

So instead of taking my son's birth mom out to coffee and going through my list of over 100 questions (yes, adoptive parents have long lists too!) about how our situation makes her feel, and what different milestones and special occasions set off silent heartbreak, I read Amy Seek's beautiful book, chronicling her pregnancy and decision to place her child with an adoptive family.  Once her son is born and custody is transferred, the book continues to tell Amy's story, about what life is like after adoption and what she frequently calls "this great experiment" of open adoption.

Although she is only recounting her own experience, Amy answers questions and provides insight for  the hidden member of the adoption triad:  the often secret and rarely discussed birth mothers.  What makes a woman choose adoption for her child?  What is it like to carry a baby inside you and go through the trauma and exultation of labor...and then deposit that child in the arms of another woman (or man, or family, depending on the circumstance)?  What is it like to return to your "old life" knowing that someone who looks like you and carries your DNA inside them is embarking on a life which you will largely miss out on?  What thoughts go through your mind when you are with your child, who is now also someone else's child?  What thoughts go through your mind when you leave?  What hopes do you have for your child, for his adoptive parents, for yourself?  How do you handle regret, disappointment, family outrage about your choices, even subsequent pregnancies?

Even if I wasn't actively involved in adoption, I would still read this book.  The author, an architect by day, writes in a beautiful prose that thoughtfully lays out the circumstances and choices of her life, and the reactions of all the people impacted by those choices.  She tells a valuable story about motherhood and charting the unknown.  I wholeheartedly applaud her courage in writing this book and choosing what she thought was best not just for herself, but for her son as well.  Start the new year with a great book!

Introduction

I created the name InsomniMommy a few years ago, when I began to stay up late at night and write.  Sometimes I wrote for the blog, sometimes I wrote for me.  Every so often, the writing stalls and I go back to my first love, what first inspired me to put a pen to paper back in third grade:  reading.  It's so hard to read when you are the mother of littles.  I feel like no one really told me that before this family thing happened to me.  I used to spend whole days reading, would pile books onto the library counter to check out for the week.  I got in trouble in elementary school for hiding a book within a book and trying to read Encyclopedia Brown during Science (apparently, I wasn't very sneaky).  Growing up, I would frequently become entranced by a new book, and completely tune out the world around me.  The daylight hours weren't enough, so I would sneak into the bathroom after my parents went to bed and read in there for a few more hours (when I found out that my husband used to do this too, I knew we were soulmates).  Even the first year after I had my first baby was a wonderland of reading.  I read Tess of the D'Urbervilles while breastfeeding.  I read The Quiet American while my baby slept.  I read I Love You Through and Through while he stared up at me, our bodies close.  I read Belly Laughs waiting for my husband to come home at night.  I read What to Expect the First Year whenever I was overwhelmed (which was pretty much all the time).

Like most writers, reading is as important to my continued existence as breathing and eating, and I've struggled through the days when all I read was Harold and the Purple Crayon five times.  I decided to start this secondary blog to review the books I'm reading, with the hope that this will spur me to try to read at least a book or two a month.  Sometimes friends will ask for a recommendation, and even if I've read something I love, I can't remember it.  So hopefully this will be a replacement for my memory, which is probably never coming back.

Three years ago, I picked up a book called Bird by Bird.  I was looking for anything by Anne Lamott based on a recommendation from a friend, and this was the only one the library had available.  I went searching through the stacks and pulled it from the shelf.  "Some Tips for Writing and Life" the cover promised, and I was intrigued (who would pass up advice on life? I am always open to suggestions).  Little did I know that book is practically the Bible for writers.  As I read it, ideas floated to the surface of my mind.  Characters for a story, hypothetical situations rife with drama, phrases and bits of prose.  She made me think I could do it too, this craft of writing.  I followed her instructions:  butt in chair, one inch frames, [crappy] first drafts.  Blogging was perfect for the short assignments, and getting my fingers to move and my brain to power on served as a jumping-off point for further writing.  Plus, the book is hysterical.  Later I purchased it, and whenever I am struggling to write, overwhelmed at the enormity of FINISHING, full of both self-loathing and self-aggrandizement, I turn to Anne for words of wisdom, and she never disappoints.  Through these three years, she has helped me to realize that all the insanity that I feel is actually normal, which is both comforting and concerning.  If you want to write, if you have been thinking of starting a blog for months but don't know where to begin, if you think you have something to say, GET THIS BOOK.  Odds are, you are ready, and the world needs your story.

Welcome to InsomniMommy reads!  Check back each month to find out what I'm reading.