I listen to NPR whenever I'm driving. It all started when I had babies in the car and they were soothed by the classical music played by my college radio station. The format has changed a bit, so there is less classical on-air during the day, but my growing children seem to be equally soothed by the honey-soaked voices of the NPR radio programs that play with more frequency. My two favorites are Terri Gross of "Fresh Air" and John Ashbrook of "On Point".
NPR actually feels like the news, like factual tellings of what is going on in the world. Not the grabby headlines or people shouting at each other about whether or not Kim Kardashian is a good mother, but stories about real people doing all kinds of different work and facing struggles and what should actually matter to all of us. Plus interviews with celebrities like David Duchovny, Louis CK, Amy Shumer, and Tina Fey.
All that to say that I heard about the book God and Jetfire by Amy Seek when she was interviewed a few months back, and I immediately made a note to find her book and read it. As an adoptive mom who has a friendly relationship with my son's first mother, I have been curious for years about what is going on inside the mind of the other woman my son calls Mama. An open adoption relationship is kind of like marriage: it begins with two people, two families, circling each other, dating, trying to figure out if something more long term and permanent is possible. Nobody goes on a first date and hammers the other person with questions about the most personal, deeply felt, potentially hurtful moments of their life. We begin by finding common ground, shared interests, funny childhood stories. It can take a long time to get to the truly foundational heart issues, and some relationships never make it there.
So instead of taking my son's birth mom out to coffee and going through my list of over 100 questions (yes, adoptive parents have long lists too!) about how our situation makes her feel, and what different milestones and special occasions set off silent heartbreak, I read Amy Seek's beautiful book, chronicling her pregnancy and decision to place her child with an adoptive family. Once her son is born and custody is transferred, the book continues to tell Amy's story, about what life is like after adoption and what she frequently calls "this great experiment" of open adoption.
Although she is only recounting her own experience, Amy answers questions and provides insight for the hidden member of the adoption triad: the often secret and rarely discussed birth mothers. What makes a woman choose adoption for her child? What is it like to carry a baby inside you and go through the trauma and exultation of labor...and then deposit that child in the arms of another woman (or man, or family, depending on the circumstance)? What is it like to return to your "old life" knowing that someone who looks like you and carries your DNA inside them is embarking on a life which you will largely miss out on? What thoughts go through your mind when you are with your child, who is now also someone else's child? What thoughts go through your mind when you leave? What hopes do you have for your child, for his adoptive parents, for yourself? How do you handle regret, disappointment, family outrage about your choices, even subsequent pregnancies?
Even if I wasn't actively involved in adoption, I would still read this book. The author, an architect by day, writes in a beautiful prose that thoughtfully lays out the circumstances and choices of her life, and the reactions of all the people impacted by those choices. She tells a valuable story about motherhood and charting the unknown. I wholeheartedly applaud her courage in writing this book and choosing what she thought was best not just for herself, but for her son as well. Start the new year with a great book!
