Explaining Adoption to Young Children

We are proud parents, and have been blessed three times over with energetic, healthy boys.  The first two arrived in the traditional manner, after 9 uncomfortable, exhausting months of pregnancy.  The third kiddo came from a different source.  He came to our home after a year of questions and meetings and training classes and seemingly endless paperwork.  He was our first foster placement.

When we adopted him almost two years later, we were already well on the way to discovering resources to explain adoption to young children.  We had been prepping our then 4 year old and 2 year old that this baby would be different, and might not stay very long.  I found a Children's Bible with a simplified story of Moses in the Nile to be concrete enough for them to understand.

Over the years, we have introduced the idea of birth moms and adoptive families through many wonderful books and movies.  Here are some of my favorites:

1. We Belong Together, by Todd Parr

Really any Todd Parr book is great to read with your kids.  They will love the simple, colorful pictures, and you will love the messages of inclusion, love, and kindness that he shares.  We Belong Together shows many different kinds of adoption and how families are made.  I read this book to my son's preschool class to explain how adoption works.

2. God Found Us You, by Lisa Tawn Bergren

This story is just the right length for preschool attention spans, and shares the touching story of a Mommy Fox and her Fox cub talking about how they came together.  In simple language, the Mommy tells her cub how hard it was to see all the other animals having babies when she longed for one of her own, and the cub asks if the Mom who gave birth to him looks like him.  I think this story resonates with the many feelings around adoption:  sadness, loss, joy, attachment, curiosity, and love.

3. Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis

If you haven't checked out Jamie Lee Curtis's children's books (with hysterical illustrations by Laura Cornell), then stop now and get to your local bookstore or library.  The author captures the language of children so perfectly, and they love to read along.  Tell Me Again is a great story, especially for those who adopted internationally, about a child repeating a much-loved tale of how she was brought into her family.

4. The Tummy Mummy, by Michelle Madrid-Branch

Of the many books available about adoption, very few even mention birth parents (Let's change that, book publishers!).  The Tummy Mummy tells children about the journey taken by a birth mother, and describes adoptive parents as the Arm Parents.  I love this terminology and have taken to using it when I talk to my son about the two women he calls "Mommy".  This is a great book for those in an open adoption.

Movies are a little trickier.  They tend to portray orphans in antiquated terms, as impoverished, unloved, neglected burdens on crazed caretakers.  But some children's movies are beginning to show adoption in a more positive light, and sharing positive messages about family.  Here are some I like:

1. Meet the Robinsons

Somehow I missed this movie when it came out, probably because I was busy getting married and not paying close attention to family films.  But we discovered it recently, and our children love to watch it.  The final montage always makes me cry, because the movie introduces us to Lewis, an orphan who is quickly reaching an age when no one will adopt him.  He tries to invent a machine that will show him who is birth mother is, hoping to find her and reunite.  Instead, he travels to the future and meets the Robinsons, a wacky family where he finally fits in.  This movie is funny and full of heart, and enjoyable for the whole family to watch together.

2. Despicable Me

I'm not sure if my kids are even aware of the adoption story taking place between Gru, Margo, Edith, and Agnes, instead being captivated by the hilarious little Minions.  But this movie has a wonderful message about the transformative power of love, and shows that family can sometimes find you when you least expect it.  I also love the songs and catchy visuals.

3. Big Hero 6

This is another movie that blends adoption subtly.  Hiro is being raised by his aunt (Hey there, kinship adoption!), but the bigger story is the early and sudden loss of his brother, Tadoshi.  I think the greatest benefit of Big Hero 6 to families explaining adoption is the emotional tone of the film, and how we all cope with separation, death, and grief.  Hiro spends most of the movie plotting revenge for his brother's death, but in the end, learns that those we love will always live in our hearts and memories.  He also finds a group of friends that encourage him and take over the role that Tadoshi used to play in his life.

4. Elf

My kids are just getting old enough to enjoy Elf at Christmastime, and they definitely picked up on the fact that Buddy has a Dad at the North Pole and a Dad in New York.  I love this movie's humor and the way Buddy is ultimately able to incorporate his human side and his elf side and have a family of his own.  This is another great resource for open adoptions!

This list is by no means all-inclusive, just a few that I've enjoyed and incorporated into my family's discussion of adoption.  If you have stories that you use to explain adoption to your children, share in the comments!

Agnes Grey

I'm a huge fan of classic novels.  In the past few years, I've been working my way through Jane Austen's six novels.  I had to re-read Sense and Sensibility, because when I first read it in high school I didn't really understand it.  A decade and a half of living (and a few seasons of Downton Abbey) has helped to clear up the confusion about British courtship customs of the 19th century.  I preferred Mansfield Park, though, the tale of overlooked cousin Fanny Brice, to the adventures of Marianne and Eleanor Dashwood.

More recently, I picked up a copy of Agnes Grey from my local library.  This book was written by Anne Bronte, younger sister of Charlotte and Emily.  I enjoyed a read through of Wuthering Heights not long ago, and the film adaptation from 2011, and a copy of Jane Eyre has been sitting on my bookshelf for the past several years.  The Bronte sisters had much in common with Jane Austen, having never married, the poor daughters of ministers who began writing about the romance they didn't get to experience, before dying at relatively young ages.

Although I feel like Jane Austen was a bit obsessed with marrying off her characters to appropriate men, and the Bronte sisters didn't seem to share her optimism.  Their heroines marry brutes, and run wild on the moors (or maybe that was just Cathy...I should really read Jane Eyre).  Agnes Grey follows a different path, recounting the tales of a cash-strapped governess and the families who mistreat her while she attempts to educate their children.

Agnes is an interesting main character, chafing under her family's insistence that she is still a baby and deciding to go out on her own to make a living, then struggling to rein in unruly students and miserable host families.  It reminds me of a Victorian Nanny Diaries in the way it exposes the mistreatment of the elite towards their domestic help.  At the time it was published, one book reviewer thought the author must have bribed a governess in order to nail the accurate portrayal of the torments of her life.  In fact, the book is based on the experiences of Anne Bronte herself, and the families she lived with in the role of governess.  I'm also surprised at how much still feels true about the characters of this book, from their religious views to the differing opinions about child-rearing.

If you are a fan of the Bronte sisters or want to read more about English society in the mid-1800's, pick up a copy of Agnes Grey.  The Penguin Classics edition contains a very informative introduction exploring the lives of the Brontes and women like them, as well as the mark their books made on the publishing industry.  Agnes' story will make you think twice about how you treat those who serve you, from the teenagers at McDonald's to the men and women educating your children.

God and Jetfire

I listen to NPR whenever I'm driving.  It all started when I had babies in the car and they were soothed by the classical music played by my college radio station.  The format has changed a bit, so there is less classical on-air during the day, but my growing children seem to be equally soothed by the honey-soaked voices of the NPR radio programs that play with more frequency.  My two favorites are Terri Gross of "Fresh Air" and John Ashbrook of "On Point".

NPR actually feels like the news, like factual tellings of what is going on in the world.  Not the grabby headlines or people shouting at each other about whether or not Kim Kardashian is a good mother, but stories about real people doing all kinds of different work and facing struggles and what should actually matter to all of us.  Plus interviews with celebrities like David Duchovny, Louis CK, Amy Shumer, and Tina Fey.

All that to say that I heard about the book God and Jetfire by Amy Seek when she was interviewed a few months back, and I immediately made a note to find her book and read it.  As an adoptive mom who has a friendly relationship with my son's first mother, I have been curious for years about what is going on inside the mind of the other woman my son calls Mama.  An open adoption relationship is kind of like marriage:  it begins with two people, two families, circling each other, dating, trying to figure out if something more long term and permanent is possible.  Nobody goes on a first date and hammers the other person with questions about the most personal, deeply felt, potentially hurtful moments of their life.  We begin by finding common ground, shared interests, funny childhood stories.  It can take a long time to get to the truly foundational heart issues, and some relationships never make it there.

So instead of taking my son's birth mom out to coffee and going through my list of over 100 questions (yes, adoptive parents have long lists too!) about how our situation makes her feel, and what different milestones and special occasions set off silent heartbreak, I read Amy Seek's beautiful book, chronicling her pregnancy and decision to place her child with an adoptive family.  Once her son is born and custody is transferred, the book continues to tell Amy's story, about what life is like after adoption and what she frequently calls "this great experiment" of open adoption.

Although she is only recounting her own experience, Amy answers questions and provides insight for  the hidden member of the adoption triad:  the often secret and rarely discussed birth mothers.  What makes a woman choose adoption for her child?  What is it like to carry a baby inside you and go through the trauma and exultation of labor...and then deposit that child in the arms of another woman (or man, or family, depending on the circumstance)?  What is it like to return to your "old life" knowing that someone who looks like you and carries your DNA inside them is embarking on a life which you will largely miss out on?  What thoughts go through your mind when you are with your child, who is now also someone else's child?  What thoughts go through your mind when you leave?  What hopes do you have for your child, for his adoptive parents, for yourself?  How do you handle regret, disappointment, family outrage about your choices, even subsequent pregnancies?

Even if I wasn't actively involved in adoption, I would still read this book.  The author, an architect by day, writes in a beautiful prose that thoughtfully lays out the circumstances and choices of her life, and the reactions of all the people impacted by those choices.  She tells a valuable story about motherhood and charting the unknown.  I wholeheartedly applaud her courage in writing this book and choosing what she thought was best not just for herself, but for her son as well.  Start the new year with a great book!