There are many books published each year on the subject of marriage. How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage. The Five Love Languages. His Needs/Her Needs. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Marriage. I have picked up many of these books and started to read them. Then put most of them down after the first chapter. My biggest complaint about marriage books is the tone of condescension that runs throughout. "He left his socks on the floor...again!" "She spends too much time on the phone with her mother!" And we all (supposedly) have a good laugh about how men and women are different without ever scratching the surface of what makes marriage hard or what makes marriage good. Not to mention that neither of these "problems" has ever occurred in my own relationship.
That's why I was so pleased this past year to read two really helpful, good books about marriage. The first was Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Since he is a marriage counselor, this book had the typical "case studies", which can be a little dry or hokey. "Steve was burned out after a long day at the office, and Miranda just wanted someone to listen. Eventually Steve learned to open his ears and Miranda got a bikini wax." (Wait, was that from the Sex & the City movie?) Anyway, this book's use of the real-life couples was not so bad as to put me off from reading it, and it had some very good insights. In his description of "the Crazy Cycle", I recognized a pattern that Chris and I have frequently participated in.
The other book I read was The ZimZum of Love by Rob and Kristen Bell. I have always been a fan of Rob Bell's work, and I was interested that he chose to write with his wife when tackling the issue of intimacy and marriage (especially since he went solo on a book called Sex God). The ZimZum was not just full of wisdom, it was fun to read. Instead of narratives and didactic messages, the words are broken up by stick figure drawings and transcribed "conversations" between Rob and Kristen. This book just sounded so much like the relationship that I have with my husband...it was real and honest and full of laughter.
My biggest takeaway from both books is this idea that our spouse morphs from the person we love more than anyone into our enemy. We get to the point where every. little. thing. sends us into a rage spiral, thinking this person is against me, he is disrespectful or dismissive or insulting. But why? Why would we ever think that our spouse of all people is trying to destroy our happiness? I think I tend to just forget that we are a team. I don't communicate how the little things make me feel until they've turned into a big thing. What seems like insensitivity is often just inattentiveness. So my focus is to remain on the same side as my husband, instead of turning against him like an Old West showdown. Figuring out how to work together so that we both are feeling loved and valued, side by side as we journey through this life.
